The Face Slap – Our Unspoken Tolerance Of Violence and Sexism

Yesterday, I read the sad news report about the mother in Chile who in a fit of rage killed her daughter because she refused to do homework her teachers assigned her for the summer break. And while my reaction was probably pretty similar to everyone else’s upon reading this news, this story also got me thinking about an unrelated issue that we as a society continue to tolerate or at least see no harm in. As the title of this entry implies, I’m referring here to the face slap.

It’s a scene most of us have witnessed numerous times in both films and TV shows, and probably for some even in real life. A man and woman are talking about something and then we see the woman’s face contort into a look of anger, hurt or a combination of both. This is soon followed by the woman giving the man a hard slap across the face, often causing the man’s head to turn off to one side that demonstrates the power behind the hit. In dramatic works, it’s certainly an effective visual tool for the audience to appreciate the depth of anger and/or hurt the woman feels as a result of the man’s revelation. However, this physical move is not just limited to the dramatic realm as some vehicles even use this as a comedic device. After all, there’s nothing funnier that seeing a man getting walloped by a woman, especially an old lady, right?

And yet, I have to admit that thinking more about this subject, I can’t help but wonder why we accept women being able to express their emotions with physical violence, if not also why we find it funny in some cases when they do. As a society, we would never feel the same about men hitting women. Sure, the point can be made that a woman hitting a man in most cases won’t cause as much physical harm as a man hitting a woman. But really, is that how we should be quantifying what is violent? By how much physical injury we inflict on the opposing party? Besides, let’s be honest – hitting anyone on the face is going to hurt. If it didn’t, why would any woman bother to slap a man in the face as a means of demonstrating, if not reciprocating, their feelings of hurt and pain? So I don’t think anyone can dismiss slapping someone in the face as not being an act of physical violence. I assume we still collectively tolerate this double-standard because we still hold to that machismo notion that for someone to be a “real” man, he has to be able to take his lumps on the chin. That and because this behaviour is commonly viewed as being a reaction to the man committing a wrong against the woman and as such, he basically had it coming.

Regardless, my point here actually has less to do with the receiver of this act and more to do with the giver. As a society, we’ve made it clear that it is never acceptable to act out on your emotions in a physically aggressive manner. Our schools teach children, both boys and girls, that it is wrong to resort to violence to resolve a problem or to use it as an emotional release. And yet, somewhere down the line as a girl grows into a woman, we suddenly offer them a new rule that it is okay to hit a man as a way to express your feelings; that if he cheats on you or admits to telling you a lie, it’s okay to give him a good hand smack across the face to demonstrate your displeasure.

Of course, our own reaction to such a display doesn’t help as it’s akin to when we see a man walking down the street with a bouquet of flowers in hand – he’s bringing flowers to his wife/girlfriend because he must have done something wrong. We never question whether it is right for a woman to resort to violence as a means to express her feelings. Why is that? Why aren’t we more intolerant of this in demanding that women learn, as men are expected to, that when feeling such strong emotions as anger and hurt, violence is not the way to deal with it. This isn’t a question of whether the man “deserved it” or not – a concept that itself is a bit dangerous as it allows us to start excusing violence as a means to an end. Rather, it’s more about why we think a woman shouldn’t be expected to use self-restraint in how she reacts to her internal feelings. If a 9-year old girl can’t hit a boy for stealing her lunch, why should a 29-year old woman be allowed to hit a man for cheating on her? If anything, one would expect the female adult in this equation to be the one to act in a more mature fashion when it comes to dealing with their feelings. How odd that in reality, it’s the opposite that is true.

So, how do we change this? I don’t know. I guess the first place to start is with ourselves and how we view these situations. And instead of applauding the woman for slapping their husband/boyfriend because of some wrong committed against them, perhaps we should be equally disgusted with the conduct of both of them. I know I’ve been guilty of cheering such acts when shown in movies and TV shows because, like everyone else, I see the man as getting what he deserves for what he did. However, reflecting on this issue, I’ve come to realize that there really is no excuse for this kind of behaviour. Indeed, there’s never an excuse for violence, regardless of who is committing the act and why.

Some other posts you may enjoy:

1. 4 Keys To Successfully Resolving Conflicts in the Workplace
2. The Challenge We Face In Moving On
3. The One Challenge All Leaders Secretly Face
4. BSG “The Oath” – It’s Payback Time

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