Letting Go In Order To Move On
Over the last couple of days, I’ve been thinking about how we ascribe value to the relationships we have with others, be it of a professional nature or a personal one. This came about when I found myself taking stock of my participation in one of the many project teams I’m involved with. Following certain decisions that changed the direction the team was headed toward, I realized that not only would there be less for me to contribute to the project, but the personal goals that were the reason why I joined the team four years ago were now well out of reach. On paper, it would seem to be an open-and-shut case as to what I should do. But as we all know, life is rarely that simple.
You see, while there was clearly less of a benefit now for both the team and myself in maintaining the relationship, I also knew that I had four years of my time, effort and resources invested into the project. As such, if I were to walk away, I would basically be giving all of that up without having attained the goals I had set out to reach as a member of that team. It was such a difficult pill to swallow that I even considered the chances that an opportunity might present itself where the team’s direction would shift so that I could once again contribute to the endeavor. Obviously, such an approach was playing the long odds. It also made the idea of change – of no longer being a member of this team – that much harder to contemplate.
Of course, dealing with any kind of change in our lives can be a challenge, but it’s even more daunting when that change involves our letting go of something we’ve put so much of our time and ourselves into. But as I realized from the situation above, in those circumstances we can fall into the trap of misplacing our best interests onto the past history of the relationship, instead of on how we’d benefit by staying with it. It’s the reason why we see some of our friends staying in dead-end personal relationships because of a shared history as a couple, and not because they can see themselves in a relationship with that person for the long-run. It’s also why at times we find ourselves in jobs that we’ve long ago lost our enthusiasm or passion for, but which we still work in because we keep reminding ourselves of how many years we’ve worked for that company, and how we should stick around in order to one day reap the fruits of all that labour.
In all of these examples, we’re letting the fact that we’ve spent so much time working and building on these relationships cloud our perspective of what we should be looking at, of questioning whether we might still benefit from being in these relationships. In my case, as much as I valued the time and energy I put into the team, what mattered more looking ahead was whether there was anything left to be gained in maintaining this relationship, of whether the time and effort I’d put in now would accomplish as much as it did before. As difficult as it can be to detach ourselves from whatever past contributions we’ve made to the relationship in question, it’s still important that we do such so we can be sure that the relationships we’re involved in are the right ones for us; that they can continue to aid us in attaining the life we strive to lead. We have to remember that the point of these relationships was never the amount of time and effort spent on them, but rather what we hoped to gain through our involvement in those relationships.
Undoubtedly, leaving this project will be hard after I spent so much time and effort working on it. But through the process of examining which fork in the road I should take, I realized that my loyalty should not be to whatever I’ve already given to the project, but to what I stand to gain by remaining as a part of it. By freeing ourselves from these relationships where we’ve achieved all that we can, we’re giving ourselves the opportunity to explore other avenues to find and build new ones where we can continue to contribute and grow. And by keeping our focus not on what we’ve given of ourselves in these relationships, but on where we’d like to go, we also stand a greater chance of living the life we were meant to live.
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How can you start fresh on something new if you're still hooked up with the past right? Nice article..
Thanks Caitlin. I'm glad you enjoyed this piece. It can be difficult sometimes to let go of what we've accomplished or invested in until we begin to realize that it's only serving to hold us back from moving forward. It's scary sometimes to move away from something that we know and start walking into the unknown.
Then again, what we knew in the past was at one point unknown as well, so we've clearly shown the ability to manage that unknown rather well.
Thanks again for your comment, Caitlin.
Tanveer, the more familiar I get with your blog, the more I start longing for each of your new post.
I wish I was so consistent in my writing!
This time, I wanted to make a comment linking to my past academic background, teaching Organizational Behavior.
What you're describing has been studied and called "Escalation of Commitment". When people invest additional resources in failing projects. Escalation often occurs when people want to justify their past decisions. It has been found that escalation can be averted by providing people with self-affirming feedback, which reduces their need to self-justify their past decisions.
You maybe already familiar with this concept, but if you were not, you came to the best solution by yourself, using your common sense, wise reflection and clear focus on what you want out of your life.
Bravo.
Warmly,
Marion
Hi Marion,
First of all, thank you so much for the wonderful compliment. It's always rewarding to find out that those who read my blog are enjoying it as much as I enjoy writing for it. The process of writing is certainly an exploration of our inner selves and I'm glad to count you among those who are coming along in this journey.
I hadn't heard of the concept of "Escalation of Commitment" before, but I'm glad you've shared your insights and knowledge on it. I think the more we educate ourselves about how we interact/react to situations and the people around us, the more we can ensure we're taking the necessary steps to do what we want to do, rather than what circumstances would seem to dictate.
Make no mistake, this was a hard decision that kept me up a few nights as I tried to deliberate what should be my next course of action. But what I can tell those who are tentatively dipping their toe into that decision pool is that once you dive in, you'll feel energized and motivated to turn your energies toward the other relationships you have in your life, as well as building on new ones you will now have the time to nurture.
Thanks again, Marion, for sharing your knowledge on this and for your wonderful compliment on my writing.
Dear Tanveer,
I love this new post. You outdo yourself each and every time you write a post.
And thank you for sharing this personal experience with us.
I totally agree with the concept of letting go to move on. Or else you can be turned into a statue of salt [story of Lot's wife in The Bible/Genesis]…
However, if I may add my two cents in this discussion, I think that there are 3 crucial questions that you have to ask yourself before you can definitely let go and move on.
Question 1 – Have you done everything possible to change the situation: move away from the status quo, get out of your rut, meet them half-way, compromise, etc.? We evolve as human beings and things change. In a relationship, it's never the responsibility of only one person. Each and everyone of us influence the outcome of the relationship. So, have you done everything and realised that nothing else can be done to salvage this relationship?
Question 2 – What do you have to lose by walking away? As you said it very well, relationships are never black or white. People stay in relationships that are not fulfilling their emotional needs not only because of shared history but because of tangible elements that they will lose if they leave: their children, a house they spent years renovating, a business they built together with their partner. In the case of an employee, how can he leave his job even if he is not happy if he will be losing his rights to seniority, early retirement or his pension funds? Will you be losing money if you leave this project? Or just the time you invested on the project?
Question 3 – What will you gain by walking away? I love this part because it now opens up to so many possibilities…
Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. – Andre Gide
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. – Helen Keller
One big obstacle to letting go and moving on is Fear. Fear to explore new oceans, new opportunities, new happiness. And we cling to what we know best. It hurts but at least it's safe. But the alternative to moving on is wasting away our lives. Ships that remain in harbours eventually rot. And human can easily "rot" their lives away.
In the end, it remains this simple equation… Is the pain of staying in a relationship/project that no longer fulfills you GREATER than the pain of losing something? Is the hope for a more fulfilling life LESS than the comfort of a routine life.
Thanks for bringing up this discussion. I am awed by the way you express emotions and issues that we all experience in our lives. I look forward to other "existential" discussions with you.
Hi Jackie,
First off, thank you so much for your kind words. I have to say I’m gratified and touched to see how much people are enjoying my writings. When I sit down to write these pieces, I simply write about those things that resonate with me, that catch my attention and cause me to think more about that idea or concept. It’s a wonderful compliment to see that these ideas – these musings – are resonating with others as well.
I think the 3 “crucial questions” you described in your comment are certainly excellent points that one should consider when evaluating any situation. Of course, we have to remember that we all experience and live life in our own way, and the experiences we’ve had so far play a significant part in how we perceive the world – and the relationships we have within it.
That’s why in my piece I don’t offer a magic 7-point list of steps on how to handle such situations, of clues to look for to know when it’s time to pack things up. For me, those are all personal value judgments that only we as individuals can make, since all of us know deep down what it is we’re striving to reach and accomplish with this life of ours.
Instead, I offer only that which I do know – the things I’ve learned from my own life experiences in the hopes that it might serve as a guide post to others who come along; that they might take a look at their own lives and see if they’re on the path they’re meant to be on, or whether it’s time to take out the compass and plan out a new direction to take hold of.
Again, thank you, Jackie, for contributing some wonderful points to this discussion. And my sincerest gratitude for the wonderful compliments.
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Tanveer – Finely written post which I enjoyed reading.
I have been in a similar situation in my past. We have tendency to “cling-on” to initiatives we have invested years of effort in. But it takes a lot of guts and practical thinking to draw a line and let it go. I strongly believe that when we do our work, our work does something to us. The key is to identify how our work is acting upon us and then take a decision.
Given that all career is a choice, great career is equal to great choices!
Hi Tanveer,
Thanks for your thoughtful post. I would also invite you to consider the question "what can the other(s) gain by my remaining in this relationship?" This may be the more important question, as it is the essence of service.
When we are able to make a contribution to the well-being of others, it is truly a gift to ourselves in many ways. When that contribution is no longer needed, useful, or (sometimes) becomes damaging, it is a sign to move on.
Hi Tanmay,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I think you make a great point about looking at the impact our work has on us to help determine whether the relationship is still beneficial and fruitful.
Naturally, we feel pride in what we’re able to contribute to a project or relationship, as we should since those are our accomplishments. But we also need to keep looking forward, at what benefit we’re continuing to provide to the relationship and thus, to ourselves. You’re right that it’s a hard decision to make, but ultimately it’s the one that both parties in the relationship will benefit from the most.
Hi Mary Jo,
The question you mention is a very important one to consider when making such a decision; indeed, this very question was the one that got me starting the process of re-assessing my role in this particular team.
Regardless of the nature of the relationship, all interactions require that we give something of ourselves for the benefit of others. And it’s a natural cycle of life and relationships that a time might come where we can no longer be of service to others in those relationships. The challenge is being able to be honest with ourselves of when we are no longer providing value to that relationship and admitting to ourselves that it’s time to move on.
My thanks to you both for adding some great points to this discussion and I’m glad you enjoyed this piece.