Living Up To Our Own Expectations
During a dinner party at my parents’ house, my daughter decided to get a water jug and serve everyone at the table a glass of water. Watching her make her way around the table, I couldn’t help being touched and proud of her thoughtful gesture towards everyone. I wanted to give her a hug and a kiss to show her how I felt and so, I asked her to come see me when she was done. At this point, something surprising happened – as soon as I told her to come see me, a big beautiful smile graced her face.
After the briefest moment, it dawned on me why she was smiling after hearing that I wanted to see her – she knew exactly what I was going to do and why. When she came to my place at the table and got her hug and kiss, along with a whispered comment about how proud I was of her, she went back to her chair, wearing an even bigger shining smile.
Thinking about this moment, I realized that my daughter’s smile was as much a reaction to my gestures and comment as it was a result of her feeling proud that she was right about what she had expected I was going to do.
What’s of particular interest is that her expectation that I was going to give her a hug and a kiss was not because of the fact that I’m her father; rather, it came from her past experiences of my interactions with her as her dad. In other words, her expectations of me were not simply based on the nature of our relationship, of being father and daughter. Instead, it was more a product of what she’s learned to expect from that relationship.
For most of us, though, we still base what we expect from others on what we use to define that relationship. For example, typically we expect more from our family than we do from our friends, not because of past experiences, but because we’re socially conditioned to. Similarly, businesses often tell their employees to treat their customers the way they’d like to be treated.
And yet the problem in both these scenarios is that we’re not basing our expectations on established history or behaviours; instead, we’re relying on our assumptions of what we think we should expect from these interactions. Naturally, this leads to a sense of disappointment as these relationships fail to live up to what we hoped for or due to our inability to properly anticipate what the other party is looking to receive from us.
Clearly, what we should be doing is shifting our focus to how others interact with us instead of how we’d like them to. In the case of the business world, it’s a matter of listening to their target audience to learn how to treat them the way they’d like to be treated, as opposed to how they themselves would want to be treated.
As for our personal relationships, just as how our own conduct serves to tell our family and friends about what they can expect from us, so too can we learn what to reasonably expect from them through their behaviours.
As that moment with my daughter around the dinner table showed me, knowing what you can expect from others is not only a satisfying experience, it can also be something that helps that relationship strengthen and grow. As my daughter showed me, the key is learning how to appreciate the expectations we create in others about ourselves, so that we can become more open to doing the same with them.
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Wonderful insightful post.
It has been my experience that the best rewards are those which are not expected. Actions done in service with love and compassion can be blissful. As is the case with your daughter in her service to the people around the table. In seeing her joy, you reacted and set in motion another series of actions. This happiness is contagious and the rewards created are immeasurable.
Hi Angelina,
I'm glad you enjoyed this piece. What was wonderful about my daughter's actions is that she was clearly doing it out of a desire to care for those around her. Had I not chosen to ask her to see me so I could show her how proud I was of her, I have no doubt that she'd do it again because of how it made her feel inside. Seeing, though, the reaction it stirred in me no doubt helped to solidify those internal feelings, if not reinforce her notions of what she can expect from her dad, of what behaviours will illicit a reaction she'd love to feel.
Glad to see you sharing your thoughts here again, Angelina. It's always nice to see what ideas you glean from my pieces.
Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do… but how much
love we put in that action. – Mother Theresa
This is an awesome post! And Tanveer you read my mind! Lately, I have been struggling with issues of expectations I have from business associates, from new friends and I have to say that I haven't been too successful in knowing how to balance my expectations of them and the importance to accept them as they are, with their strengths and their flaws. To me, the most difficult part is the "communication of those expectations". It is a given that all individuals are different and things are not always what they appear to be. One thing I have learnt is that one should not make assumptions and judgments from our own personal lens. Until I can read people's mind, the only thing I can change is myself.
That being said, I am not at all surprised about your daughter's thoughtfulness. Your own thoughtfulness is extraordinary and you know instinctively that above everything else, all human beings crave for validation, for being appreciated, for being pampered. And you gave of yourself with such generosity.
Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think
that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person
who has nothing to eat.
Hi Jackie,
Thank you for your beautiful comment and for the wonderful compliments. I am genuinely touched and flattered by your words.
It is a hard lesson of life that we seem to keep having to learn, that what we expect from others is more often a reflection of what we want rather than what others are willing to give.
The wonderful thing about children, though, is that they don't make assumptions of what we'd do and why they put so much weight on what we tell them we'll do. For them, it's our words, our actions that they rely on to know us, to understand what we're capable or willing to do. It's probably why for children making promises matters so much because that's how they shape their understanding of what to expect from us.
Children don't focus on how things should be; they simply see the world as it is. That's a wonderful lesson all of us could learn to appreciate more.
Thanks again, Jackie, for your wonderful comment and your kind words.
I agree with you Tanveer. As adults, we gave up on the children that we were. We still have so much to learn from our children.
There are two things that I love about this post Tanveer. 1) Your daughter's generous spirit. She clearly has a heart for others and that is a gift that will stand her in good stead for the rest of her life. 2) The gentle, loving relationship you've developed with her. And you are so right – it isn't just a father/daughter relationship – it is a relationship based on the experiences of loving over and over and over again. A parent cannot command that – a parent must EARN that.
Thank you for the beautiful reminder.
Some great observations Tanveer..knowing the 'oneness' of yourself and your daughter is true love, true care, true compassion.
With respect to your comment "what we should be doing is shifting our focus to how others interact with us instead of how we’d like them to." I'm a firm believer in "as you sow so shall you reap" and like to ALWAYS treat others as I would like to be treated, even when others are not necessarily 'pleasant' I try never to let it upset my equilibrium, its often remarkable that people quickly turn to your way of being (not always but most of the time.
Be well and thank you for sharing this insightful post.
Colin
Hi Colin,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this piece. I agree with you that even with those who choose to be less 'pleasant', it is always best to take the high road and at least conduct yourself in those interactions in a more kind fashion.
What I was referring to are those instances where in a relationship, we tend to put expectations on the behaviours of others based on what we think it should be. To give you an example, several years ago, my aunt passed away after a long battle with breast cancer. At the time, my cousin – her youngest son – was just a boy and naturally everyone was concerned about how the loss of his mother at such a young age would impact him. Almost all of my aunts and uncles had this expectation of how he should react to this loss that they got all caught up in why he was not behaving in the fashion that they expected him to. And yet, through all their angst and badgering him over this, not once did they reflect on what was the basis for this expectation, of realizing that they were supplanting what they think they'd feel in such a situation over how he needed to deal with it.
It's easy for us to assume we'd know how others would react in certain situations. However, what we need to understand is that the best way to really know is to look at our previous experiences to gain insight into how the other party would perceive the situation. In the case of my cousin, had my uncles and aunts taken the time to remember what he was like when his mother was around, they would've understood why he was behaving the way he was because that was exactly the path he needed to take to deal with his loss.
Thanks again, Colin, for sharing your thoughts to this delightful discussion.
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Hi Sarah,
I’m glad you enjoyed this piece. And you’re right about my daughter having this heart that opens her to feeling empathy and care for others. She amazes me with how, at her young age, she can be so selfless and looks for the good in others. I can honestly say being her dad has made me a better person in the process.
And I love your remark that a parent can’t command this, but it’s something that we must earn. How I wish more parents would realize that, as they’d truly appreciate what a gift and wonder it is to be a parent.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts, Sarah, and for your kind words.