Validation – The First Step Starts With Us
One of the things I enjoy about the internet is that it has become a wonderful outlet for creative expression; that it provides us with the opportunity to enjoy the works of talented individuals we might not otherwise know of. A good example of this is the award-winning film short “Validation”. The story focuses on a man whose job is to validate parking stubs, but who we learn very early on in the film also offers the shopping mall patrons a sense of validation for who they are. The film is not only inspiring thanks to its feel-good nature, but it’s also very effective in reminding us of how powerful the simple act of showing an appreciation and understanding of others can impact those around us.
Of course, how much validation a person can feel upon hearing words of appreciation or praise is very much dependent on the person’s own sense of self-worth, something the writers of this film are acutely aware of. In this film, the reason why the lead character has such an impact on those around him is not just because he’s telling them something no one’s ever told them; rather, it’s because he’s telling them something they know intuitively about themselves, which those around them have not bothered to acknowledge or appreciate as their contribution. Offering random compliments is not what any of us need to feel validated; rather, it’s being recognized by our peers, our friends and family for the unique and intrinsic value we bring to those relationships, as well as the feelings and emotions that come with those interactions.
It’s sad to think how much we’ve been ingrained with this notion that we shouldn’t praise others too much, as this could lead to either swelled heads or a drop in their productivity as they might feel like they no longer have to prove their worth to us. And yet, as this film demonstrates with such genuine clarity, offering such words of appreciation, of validating what people feel internally about themselves doesn’t lead to some rise in self-importance. On the contrary, it only serves to demonstrate that the things that are uniquely theirs, the things that others should take notice of are in fact being noticed, and most importantly, being appreciated for what it contributes to the greater whole. It shows that we’re willing to put ourselves in their shoes and try to understand why they feel the way they do, instead of summarily judging how the situation makes us feel.
As the film’s lead moves out from behind his counter offering everyone around him that feeling of validation they feel so lacking in their lives, there’s this clear sense of jubilation, of relief even that someone out there understands them, sees them as they see themselves and appreciates who they are. Watching these scenes, you can’t help but be drawn into them because we know this to be true, that to offer validation to those around us is not a bad thing. You cannot help but wish that we’d encounter such an individual in the real world, who simply seeks to offer reassurance to others that they are not so misunderstood or unappreciated.
And that’s probably the greatest message of this story because by the film’s end, we realize that this person exists in all of us, that we all have the power in ourselves to offer validation to those around us; to show others they’re not being overlooked or their feelings being judged or discounted. For us to truly have meaningful and rich relationships with others, we need to remember the importance of making those around us feel validated both for who they are and for how they feel.
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Tanveer, well done!
Praise, validation, and the simple act of gratitude are nearly absent in our society; even more absent in organizations and communities. Business leaders feel that their role is to continually judge, and it is unfortunate that the judgment extends, often, to individual emotions and belief. I try to help my clients learn that emotions and beliefs need to be validated, not judged. Thanks for bringing this to our attention (and although I'd seen the film, I liked seeing it again).
Thank you, Mary Jo. I appreciate that.
It's ironic that as children, we were told to show empathy and appreciation to those around us. We were taught not to mock or belittle the other children, but to recognize the value they bring as a member of our classroom.
It's sad how many wonderful lessons we were taught – and still teach to children – that as adults we now decide are no longer necessary in our daily interactions. It's one of the reasons why I enjoy reading the blogs of Bret Simmons and yourself who remind us that human empathy, respect, and yes, validation of others, is something we need now more than ever in our workplaces and other social environments.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts, Mary Jo. I'm delighted to have you as a regular commenter on this blog.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Eliz Weiland, Kendall Thiessen and others. Eliz Weiland said: A great blog post by @tanveernaseer on true validation http://bit.ly/2PCdXY [...]
Tanveer – brilliantly written. Though I have not seen the movie, your post extends the crux and prompts me to watch the movie.
Simple acts of validation in our day to day life (with our teams, family, friends) go a long long way in building trust. I totally agree with Mary Jo that in business world, judgment rules. I read a very interesting article titled “Sometimes, E in CEO can stand for Empathy”. If that would have been true, businesses world would have been drastically different.
Tanveer, this short film is one of my favorites. I played it last Sunday for my eldest daughter. It always brings elation and a deep desire of universal kindness.
Thank you for posting it with your very sensitive personal comment and allowing us to reflect on it (and view it once more!!!).
One of the most powerful sessions during my Leadership Trainings, with Managers, CEOs or MBA Students is when I guide them into a mini 360° feedback process.
Providing feedback is a validation tool and one of the best management tools, yet the most badly used and taught.
Yesterday, at the end of my Team building training, the participants were in 4 groups of 5, with a very clear feedback assignment. They each, almost religiously, received from the 4 others a personal written feedback with 3 qualities or skills “validates” and one improvement suggestion, based on their intention to progress.
They each had little folded papers that they opened like Christmas presents. Most of the time, surprised and touched that people could “spot” them so well, others blushing, others almost moved to tears, happy tears!
And this is also one of my favorite moments in the seminar, people’s persona or mask, fall and you really get to see the true self, sometimes even the little child still inside. After all the excitement of the day of learning, playing and discovering together, suddenly there’s room for silence, introspection, insight. Beautiful.
Thank you Tanveer for recalling us that simple and beautiful truth.
Marion
Hi Tanmay,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I think you’re absolutely right that offering a sense of validation to those around us is the best way to build trust in those relationships. By validating a person’s abilities and feelings, we’re providing them with a safe and comfortable environment that will allow them to be more open and sharing.
Whether it’s a professional or personal relationship, being able to offer such an environment to others will no doubt lead to more fruitful and productive interactions.
Thanks again, Tanmay, for sharing your thoughts and for your kind compliment.
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Hi Marion,
I agree with you that this film does an amazing job of offering inspiration and hope every time you watch it. It’s a timeless reminder of the fact that we don’t have to be the most charismatic, the most influential person to make the biggest difference to the world around us.
That’s a great story you share about one of your team building training sessions. I can imagine that the transformation the members of the team underwent was a palpable one; one that changed their outlook of both their team and how others view their place in it. I also suspect there were many grateful eyes looking in your direction for helping them in getting more in tune with one another.
It’s a wonderful example of how simplifying our interactions to focus on each other as individuals and what we bring to the table can make a huge impact to our overall outlook.
Thanks for sharing your experience here and for your kind words.
For those who reads Tanveer’s post, let me tell you that this man walks his talk. I’ve had the pleasure of sitting next to the smiling Mr. Naseer a few times and yes, he makes you feel important!
This is a great post…from a great guy.
Alain,
Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s nice to hear that I can make others appreciate what makes them important. That’s something I think we all deserve to feel.
Thanks again, Alain, for your generous compliment.
[...] It is said that if you constantly judge people, you will never have time to love them. In business world, judgment rules. Why is it important for a leader to validate people for who they are and how they feel? Explore this delicate subject with Tanveer Naseer. [...]
Tanveer,
This short film serves as a reminder that it doesn’t take much to change people’s perception of themselves and their lives.
To add to the discussion, I think that validating other people sometimes takes a bit of courage and being confident enough with oneself. Often people will withhold praise not because they don’t want to give it (or inflate others’ egos), but because they are too shy and self confident to speak up.
Which ironically makes the act of validation all the more necessary to spawn more of it – a sort of good vicious circle.
Did I ever tell you how much I admire you for your ability to inspire others to do better?
Hi Xurxo,
First off, thank you so much for your wonderful compliment. It’s gratifying and humbling to think that I can inspire others to work toward becoming the better version of themselves.
You bring up an excellent point about how some people can have difficulty offering praise because of certain personal traits like shyness and self-confidence. In a follow-up piece to this one, “Believing In The Power of You“, I mention the stories other readers shared with me of how it can also be difficult to offer if they feel those around them don’t seem to welcome it.
In both cases, though, the key is to recognize that ability is there in all of us, like a untapped well-spring of positive energy just waiting to be used. And as with any exercise, the more you get used to doing it, the more effortless it becomes to perform.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts, Xurxo, and for your kind compliment.
I firmly believe that validation for others is very lacking. I will give you an example.
Once in college my Anatomy and Physiology teacher asked our class what they believed about themselves. I said that I thought I was a B and C student and just average. He was amazed at first that I had the honesty to say this, but also he said, “come to my office I want to talk about this belief you have about yourself”. Now, first of all it was an unbelievable validation that my teacher gave me personal attention. I went to his office and he talked to me about my beliefs and asked me why I believed that way. In the end, he gave me a few pointers, but also said I don’t believe that about you. I believe that you are much more, that you can do whatever you desire. Just the word of encouragement and the validation that I had some intelligence made such a huge difference. He allowed me to think differently about myself. I didn’t get this type of reinforcement from my peers or my family. As a result of his attention, my grade average started to go up and I became an A and B student. From then on I realized how powerful it was to have someone believe in you and validate you, a human being that deserves to be acknowledged. Just one conversation or comment can change a person’s life. Knowing this I make a point to do this for others. No man is an island.
I love your blog and hope others understand how important this is to do for others. This blog can make a difference. Everyone matters.
Wow, Janet.
First of all, thank you for sharing such an amazing story. It’s incredible how a simple gesture like telling someone you believe in them – that you value them – can so dramatically change their outlook and with it, their lives.
Unfortunately, we’ve been fooling ourselves into thinking that we need some grand gesture, some big moment to feel like we’ve accomplished something; for those around us to see how special we are. As your story eloquently demonstrates, all we really need is for someone to recognize what exists deep down in all of us; to show us that we’re not being overlooked and that, yes, we matter to those around us. All it takes for that to happen is the simple act of telling someone how much you value them.
And thank you, Janet for your kind words about my blog. When I sit down to write these pieces, I simply draw on the things that resonate in my heart and which make me look at how to change things for the better. I’m continually amazed by the impact it has on others and I’m honoured that it can be a vehicle for making a difference for the better.
My heartfelt thanks and gratitude for the generous compliment, Janet. I am truly touched beyond words.
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